An Angel He Will Always Be Totally Loved By Me & His Sisters The Light Of My Life He Is & Always Will Be Hero He will Always Be to Me Enormous Is The Love I Have For Him Wishing He Is Here With Me & I Always Will Be I Wrote This Poem For Matthew On The 24th Of August 2007
I Have A Little Son
I have a little son, who means the world to me. Matthew's living with the Angels and is as special as can be. Even though Matthew's up there, playing in the clouds, Matthew's still my precious son and I am so very proud of him. Matthew’s picture takes pride of place on my living room wall, Ready to be admired by all who come to call. I know I can not hold Matthew, or bounce him on my knee But I only have to close my eyes, his beautiful little face to see. I never will stop missing Matthew and wishing he were here. But sometimes I feel, indeed I know that he is very near So play happily my little baby son, you will never be forgot. I love you so and always will, though I miss you such a lot.
A Million Times
A million times I have needed you. A million times I have cried. If love could have saved you, You never would have died. Things we feel most deeply, Are the hardest things to say. My dearest Matthew, I loved you, In a very special way and i still do. If I could have one lifetime wish One dream that could come true; I'd pray to God with all my heart For Yesterday and you.
As I Love Him!
As I Love you, so I miss you; In my memory you are near. Loved, remembered, longed for always, Treasured with a love so sincere. You are where I can not see you, And your voice I can not hear; Yet I know that you walk beside me, Never absent, always near. Matthew, I love & miss you so very much, that my heart & arms are aching for you. All my love from Mummy. xxoo
Joy Turned To Sadness
Joy turned to sadness the day I said my last good-bye, but you will be with me in my heart until the day I die. Run to me, with your arms open so far and wide, and jump onto my shoulders and I will give you a ride. So many things I wanted to do with you, take a trip into the city and maybe even visit the zoo. Teaching to you all the things you would need to know, where it is not safe and where it is safe to go. But you left so early, you never had a chance, to laugh at Mum, as I tried to show you how to dance. All theese things and more are safely tucked away, and when I am in heaven, I will teach you anyway. Until then Matthew, I will continue to grieve, and wondering to myself, why did you have to leave. Look down on me Matthew, as I shed my sad tears, because where you are, there are no tears or fears. I LOVE AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH MATTHEW AND I WILL UNTIL THE DAY WE MEET AGAIN. YOU ARE IN MY HEART AND SOUL FOREVER!
On The Day God Took You.
On the day God took you, I thought that I would die, I wondered where the time went? I asked alot of whys?? With people all around me, I felt alone inside. From all their words of comfort, I couldn't seem to hide, I thought I might be dreaming. That I'd wake and find you here, I thought "This can't be happening!" As I wiped another tear. On the day that you were laid to rest, My heart broke yet again, I wondered if the pain would end. But mostly, I wondered when?? It's hard to be without you, At times the days seem so long. Sometimes I just sit crying, When there's really nothing wrong, I wish we'd had more time. Before your life was done. I hope you are resting peacefully, My precious little Baby Matthew.
My Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes, They are ugly shoes, Uncomfortable shoes, I hate my shoes! Each day I wear them, And each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad That I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in other's eyes that they Are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes Might make them uncomfortable. To truely understand these shoes You must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realise that I am not the only one Who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and Ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learnt how to walk in them So they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that Days go by before they think About how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman, these shoes give Me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoesof a Woman who has had a Stillborn Baby!
I Wish You Could Understand!
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my son's name. My son lived and is very important to me. I need to hear that he is important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my son, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My son's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my son and you have allowed me to share my grief. And for both of these things I Thank You. Being a breaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. I need you now more than ever before I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want to hear about me too. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my son; he is my favourite topic of the day. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my sons death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things; through a phone call, a card, a note or a real big hug. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that; my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my son; until the day I die and join him in heaven. I'm working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand; that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my son and I will always grieve; that my Beautiful Baby Matthew is gone. I wish you wouldn't expect me; "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't want to have a "Pity or Sympathy Party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me; when i am feeling soo miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, "Iam doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't feel okay and that I am struggling on a daily basis. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I am having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quite, withdrawn, irritable and cranky. Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, it's certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quite place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my son died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my son died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief. But....... I pray daily that you will never understand.
Please Do Not Ask!
Please do not ask if I am better now, Know that i am not.
Please do not ask, "How are you?" I am grieving. My child is dead. Please do not make less of my baby's life by saying, "You'll have more", Matthew is the one I wanted. Please Do not tell me, Time will heal." Time is a four letter word to me. Please do not say "God knows best." I am angry with god. Please do not say "He is in Heaven." I want my baby here with me. Please do not tell me how great your life is, I am living in a nightmare. Please do not tell me about a healthy new baby, It's like a knife through my flat, empty belly. Please do not say " You look as if you were never pregnant!" I WANT to look pregnant, I want to BE pregnant! Please do not keep silent and not mention Matthew, Matthew is real - do you not think so? Please do not ask "What do I need?" I need my baby boy. Please do not say "Is there anything I can do..." Please just do it, I can't ask. Please do not ask if I am better now, You know that I am NOT!
I Never Got To Hear You Laugh!
I never got to hear you laugh, You never saw me cry. I didn’t get a chance to say "Hello" And you never said “Goodbye”. I didn't think that I could feel So sad, lost and forlorn. I never knew God chose his Angels Before some of them were born. Your life was short yet special I shared it all exclusively. I felt you breathe, I felt you kick. You were alive inside of me. Every baby is an Angel And every angel is divine. God needed one in heaven He came down and took mine. And although we are not together We're not really apart For you'll always occupy a space Deep within my heart. Time has not begun to ease my pain I have gotten good at hiding it when I cry. I wish I could have said "Hello" and heard you say "Goodbye".
Matthew
I carried you so lovingly, within my gentle womb... and little did I realise, your life would end soon. I never got the chance to say "I love you, little one"... before I held you in my arms, your life on earth was done. The grief is indescribable; to lose a child this way... all the many hopes and dreams, just vanished on that day. I know I'll see the sun shine bright upon my bay's face... when I finally get to heaven, all my pain will be erased. We'll soar the skies together, as angels two by two... we'll have a sweet reunion; a mother's dream come true
I Am A Mother!
I've loved my child right from the start, A feeling that's filled my heart. I went through the labour and suffered the pain, For many long hours with nothing to gain. I've spent sleepless nights being awake, Though it's been a while my arms they still ache. I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow, The love of my family that he'd come to know. The sound of his voice as he learns to talk, Watching his steps as he tries to walk. I have a child that I really love so, I am his mother yet nobody knows. I've spent all these months feeling him grow; I've lived through it all and have nothing to show. I don't get invited to chat to young mothers, Because I don’t have a baby like all the others. I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide, But I don't have a pram with a baby inside. The people I've known for so many years, Avoid me now, which adds to my tears. I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this, But one thing I know, my baby I miss. When Mother's day comes it will be very hard, I won't have any flowers, not even a card. And just because he's not here with me, I still have a son I wish I could see. But one thing I know and this is for sure, I will be his mother forevermore!
~Author Unknown~
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes, and prayed to God today, I asked what makes a mother?, and I know I heard him say. "A mother has a baby, this we know is true." But God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you? "Yes you can", he replied with confidence in his voice, "I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice." "Some I send for a life time and others a day. And some I send to fill your womb, but there's no need to stay." I just don't understand this God. I want my baby Matthew here! He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what baby Matthew is doing today. If you could see Matthew smile with other children and say, "We go on earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear. My Mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here." "I feel so lucky to have a Mum who had so much love for me, I learned my lesson very quickly, my Mummy set me free." "When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek." And whisper in her ear, "Mummy don't be sad today, or any other day, I'm your baby and I'm here with you." So you see my dear sweet one, your baby Matthew is okay. Your baby Matthew is here in MY home and this is where he'll stay. He'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. And on that day you come home he'll be at the gates waiting for you. So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start....
Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
Will I know my baby when we meet again? Will he have grown up, Not be the baby that died in my tummy? Will I recognize him, Be able to find him amongest the angels? Or will he be a stranger to me, Not knowing who I am, Or me knowing him? Do babies grow up in heaven? He never got his first tooth, Or said his first words. No first shoes, no Santa, No first birthday cake. Will my son still be a baby when we meet again? Do babies grow up in heaven? Who sings him precious lullabies? Who holds him close and Kisses him everyday? Who tells him constantly that they love him? Do babies grow up in heaven? When we next meet, Will he know me? Will he want to know me? Will he be my son who died at birth, Or a man, fully grown? Will I have the joy of being a mother To my son for all eternity? Do babies grow up in heaven? Will I be able to hold him, Love him, sing lullabies to him? Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, Or will it be a man's hand? Will I ever have the joy that Only holding my son can bring? I need to know! In heaven Iis my baby still a baby?
As I Peruse The Aisles
As I peruse the aisles, of the local store, I see things more differently, than I ever have before. "Mummy's Little Angel", the embroidered bibs do read. But, Mummy's angel is in Heaven, and bibs he does not need. He does not need a bottle, a suit or a toy. Of buying those things for him, I shall not know the joy. There are tiny jars of baby food, that he will never eat, And shiny shoes with buckles, that will never touch his feet. As the bikes and trikes taunt me, from high up on the rack, Tears will break free from my eyes, if I dare look back. I run off to the restroom, to blow my nose and cry. I wipe my eyes, swallow hard, and let out a sigh. I must go face the paper, college and wide rule, That my little Angel Matthew will never use in school. I hurry past the greeting cards, that the people chose with care, And I am reminded, of the holidays we shall not share. In the checkout line I bow my head, and heavy is my heart, For the family in front of me, has a newborn in their cart. Shopping in the local store, used to be mundane. Now every aisle's full of items, which remind me of my pain. So, quick as I can, I give the cashier, the money from my purse, And hurry away from those who don't know my pain, in this foreignly happy universe.
A Letter from Grief
I came here with no language yet all people & all lands know me. I wreak havoc with your mind & body. I play nasty head games. I can take a beautiful day & put it to ruins. There is no way to escape me when I come. I make myself invisible. I become loud & present to the one I come to visit, & they have to walk in the world as if I”m not there. I am a scrapbook ready to be opened; I am an unwanted visitor. I came to unearth the volcano deep inside your core. I dig, & dig, day after day. I bring up piece after piece of fragments of your pain & anger & disbelief of what has happened. I like being in control of your every emotion. I live for this, I’m alive in this. I put a lot of trust in your memory to help my cause and as usual, I have no problem there. Thanks. In the beginning, my job is so easy. No resistance. I move around at will causing deep valleys of sorrow and pain. I can talk you into anything. I tell you things as if life is not worth living. If you want to get away from me, I will show you how. It really is not hard. When I come to visit, I become a master builder. I build a wall so tall & strong it would take an army to knock it down. I do a lot of my work at night. I instill pictures in your dream life. Haunting pictures that are very descriptive and full of sounds and smells of the moment. I am very clever & deceptive & will go to any means to invoke the rawest, of your emotions. I can take the sweetest dream & turn it into your worst nightmare. You must be saying to yourself WHY? Why would I do such a terrible thing to someone? Why would you get such pleasure out of someone else's pain? I do not blame you for thinking that. What else would you think? Actually, I am doing my job. My job, No one else wants. It is like being the undertaker. Not too many people want that job but thank God, someone does it. I am here to get you to work whether you want me to or not. To work the process of grieving. In addition, do not fool yourself; it is work, hard work. In addition, you can only do it. The work is painful & in the end can be rewarding. In addition, as you work through the process, you may even find that you are starting to like me. I know we could never become close friends; I bring too much pain for that, but a friend you can appreciate for the do & the resolve I bring into your life. This is an on-going job with no end in sight. It is just moments of release from the pain and sorrow. As you go on with the process you will notice that a lot of the unrelenting pain, & pictures, & bad dreams will give way to softer memories of smiles & whispers & eyes of love. Not horror. So if you wouldn't mind letting me stay awhile longer, I would love to help you down the road a little more, & I promise I will leave when the going gets too tough, & come back when you need me. Alternatively, when the time is right. I will know when that is. I have been doing this for many years now. So, keep up the good work & do not be afraid of the pain. The pain is just a reminder of the work you are doing, & from where I stand, you have done good work.
Your friend, Grief
Ask My Mum
Ask my mum how she is my mum, she tells a lot of lies she never did before but from now until she dies she'll tell a whole lot more Ask my mum how she is and because she can’t explain she will tell a little lie because she can’t describe the pain Ask my mum how she is she'll say "I’m alright" if that’s the truth then tell me, why does she cry each night Ask my mum how she is she seems to cope so well she didn’t have a choice you see nor the strength to yell Ask my mum how she is "I’m fine, I’m well, I’m coping" for gods sake mum just tell the truth just say your heart is broken She'll love me all her life I loved her all of mine but if you ask her how she is she'll lie and say I’m fine I am here in heaven I can not hug from here if she lies to you don’t listen hug her and hold her near On the day we meet again we'll smile and I’ll be bold I’ll say your lucky to get in here mum, with all the lies you told!
They Say There Is A Reason
They say there is a reason, They say that time will heal, But neither time nor reason, Will change the way we feel, For no-one knows the heartache, That lies behind our smiles, No-one knows how many times, We have broken down and cried, We want to tell you something, So there won't be any doubt, You're so wonderful to think of, But so hard to be without
Blessings from Heaven To Those Left Behind I’m still here, my loved ones Please don’t mourn for me. I’m still here, though you don’t see. I’m right by your side each night & day, And within your heart I long to stay. My body is gone, but I’m always near, I’m everything you feel, see or hear. My spirit is free, but I’ll never depart, As long as you keep me alive in your heart. I’ll never wander out of sight I’m the brightest star on a summer night. I’ll never be beyond your reach I’m the warm moist sand when you’re at the beach. I’m the colorful leaves when fall comes around And the pure white snow that blankets the ground. I’m the beautiful flowers, of which you’re so fond The clear cool water in a quiet pond. I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the spring The first warm raindrop that April will bring. I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine And you see that the face in the moon is mine. When you start thinking there’s no one to love You can talk to me through the Lord up above. I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees And you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze. I’m the hot salty tears that flow when you weep And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep. I’m the smile you see on a baby’s face. Just look for me, my loved ones. I’m everyplace!
